But I'm still awake!

One day I hope to have a job with flexible hours. Being mentally alert but bodily exhausted during my beloved night watches is rather disheartening. Ugh...mornings. Enough. Think happy thoughts: spiderwebs outside with no chance of running into them, sharpies, antique blocks, raspberry cordials. There, that's better.

I am reinstating my habit of getting rid of one item a day. This is not a strict rule, and there are no limits on the item's size or personal import. It's quite fulfilling to toss things, and will be especially beneficial to continuously downsize as an antidote to the outrageous materialism of the OC. Thus far, I have observed it to be somewhat less about appearance than expected (note the qualifiers) and more about accumulating. However, that could be because I have been spending gift certificates to decorate my room and explore/get out in the evenings. Now that I'm getting my bearings and also making/meeting up with friends I will try to avoid getting sucked into the multitudes of shopping malls (at least not regularly). Working for a nonprofit also helps to keep me grounded.

Now to bed. Drat.

Two weeks...

Aack! I'm moving to Santa Ana in two weeks! I don't have housing yet, but I do trust that God will provide. Finally, I am learning to trust without dwelling on it all the time. Should be interesting... I'm looking forward to the trip to Boone, N.C. in the interim. I haven't been there since age 16, so it will be grand to get an in depth tour of SP's international headquarters. (Though why they wish to be located two hours away from the closest major airport beats me...)

At the moment I'm packing, cleaning, and meeting people to say good-bye. I wish that I had more time to just relax in SLO, but two of my roommates skipped town without cleaning. Yes, yes, I know. I'm trying not to be bitter. However, I do enjoy using the magic eraser bars on the walls. :)

Night!

Rainbow's End

Take me there to rainbow's end.
While dreams dance
the journey glitters.
If hope must die from
what is not,
let it be there,
suffused in color.

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Last night I slept longer than I have all quarter, except perhaps when I was sick at the beginning. My roommate seemed disapproving, which actually succeeded in irritating me. That aside, it was wonderful. It certainly put me behind on my mental schedule for the day, but I suppose that people will just have to get my graduation announcements one day later. It doesn't really matter except for the party invitations anyway, and the people who are going to come to that probably won't be affected by a day's delay. And somehow my homework continues to get done...

Remember how I scrapped the Sherlock Holmes essay because it wasn't working? Well, I ended up profiling the family minivan that I used to drive and personally thought the essay lacked the "so what" factor and also lacked the cultural element that I was trying to drive home (no pun intended). Anyway, I wasn't satisfied with it, but the peer reviews on Wednesday were universally effusive. Seriously. They were pretty much the most concentratedly positive of anyone's all quarter, which was rather unnerving. Now my teacher has super high expectations of my last (and by FAR hardest) essay due in less than two weeks that I have yet to start. The thought just exhausts me further.

I've turned off emotion regarding the job process today because it was becoming too overwhelming. I find myself unable to be glad or even excited that Samaritan's Purse has finally become enthused with me as a candidate. I'm leaning toward the Lifewater position, but I don't know if that is even an option. What I DO know is that the Lord has a purpose for this confusing sequence of events that began about two weeks ago. Hopefully it's over soon.

I just realized that I'm going to be late again meeting Kara to edit our senior project. Oops.

THIS is the day that the Lord has made.

I mentioned today in conversation that at this point school is just a waiting game. This quarter has been uncharacteristically dreary in terms of school, and my disgruntled attitude is only heightened by my impending graduation. As I expressed to my mother last week, I really do not want to leave SLO nor end my career as a student, but as long as it has to happen in the near future, I wish the near future was right now. I just want to get it over with.

However, today I decided that I need to actually change this attitude instead of merely acknowledging that it is inferior. God has a purpose for this time in my life, and it is wrong for me to go on autopilot for my last six weeks of school even to prevent sadness and discouragement. I should depend on the Lord for joy and encouragement, rather than mentally checking out. This is not say that I have achieved this change in attitude, but rather I acknowledge that, once again, I am wrong and I need the Lord's help. I cannot rely on myself; I cannot rely on people; I can only rely on the Lord and His goodness and faithfulness.

Amen.